There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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