it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
