Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
