Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
