I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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