I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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