I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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