i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
