i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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