sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
