he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
