PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
