He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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