someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
