cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize