I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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