I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
