you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
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