I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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