I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
