Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
