I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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