I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
