sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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