How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
