I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
