just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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