Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
They left me at home... I'm a liability
jump out the window naked night went bad
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