As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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