So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
