oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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