went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
