apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
