You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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