The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
