Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
