I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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