I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
