apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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