iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
