Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize