Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
