I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
