You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
