We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
