Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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