I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
