I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
3pm strippers are depressing
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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