my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
