I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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