Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
God, you're like boner-b-gone
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
