Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
