You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
People in love make me want to vomit
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
