Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
