he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
