Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
