They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
