i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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