just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
